in my black hair

it’s not about the hair...

it’s about the courage to choose change

that isn’t forced upon you, 

change that reflects

who you are,

the current moment,

how people see you,

how you see yourself.

x

I’m closing the chapter of my black hair,

of coming back to my roots,

of learning to fully embrace myself as I am

I’m closing a chapter of learning

how to go through pain and grieving

without compulsively changing my hair color

as an attempt to grasp for

any sense of control like I did growing up

You know…girlhood.

I remember turning my hair black after coming home from a trip to Kenya and it felt so right to come back to myself. Adjusting the view of myself, seeing the contrast against my skin, allowing my eyes to shine through. Feeling a little more edgy, fierce, a little more raven-like.

I remember embracing the black as a part of my new identity, a new way for people to see me. To see someone totally at home with herself, someone who wasn’t hiding behind a costume.

I remember going to the Philippines as an adult with my black hair…I felt a sense of belonging I never knew I needed. I felt permission to shine as myself, I felt one with the other women there. Being immersed by the beauty of my people, people who looked like me, fellow dark haired morenas.

With my black hair,

I eventually wore less make up

I slowly eased off each habit 

weaning off of my decade long addiction

unveiling the mask I lived beneath

I grew out my black hair the way I dreamed of when I was a little girl. Grew it out as long as I wanted and delicately cared for the silky fabric. I identified myself with it, I hid behind it, and then I chopped it off. I let it go and haven’t looked back. I released an identity and stepped into a new one. Someone called me brave because of it. I realized how little I’ve been called brave, and for some reason- receiving a hair cut was what warranted such a compliment?

During this chapter,

I went into my wounds,

found healing through accepting the dark parts of myself

found my voice,

spoke up during difficult times…

I became a woman in my black hair.

I opened my business in my black hair. Created a space in my imagination and turned it into reality. From my mind, I drew it out on paper and painted the walls in real life. I envisioned a space for people to see themselves and I got something so much more. I got people, as they are and who they wanted to be…in the middle of tragedy and triumphs (and a minor pandemic).

I bonded with family in my black hair. Deeper than I even knew possible. I forgave and understood with more respect and compassion. In my black hair, I opened my heart in places that have been locked away and experienced a tenderness I forgot all about.

I fell in love in my black hair. Went on that first date, in love with my spirit and the idea of taking my time with him. So many laughs, memories, tears, and meals slowly built up… until I learned how to trust in my black hair. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do after previous heartbreaks. To open up my soul to another human being knowing all the risk that life can offer…and choosing to do it anyway. I gave him my heart in my black hair.

I got married in my black hair. I dressed up as a bride, allowed myself to be seen, to be celebrated, to feel like a shining star for a day. In my black hair I became one with my husband and made the sweetest promise I’ve ever made.

These moments have meant something

and now when I look back on these years of my life,

these memories will always be

Colored With Black.

I will always see these versions of myself. And tomorrow, a new version will be born. A color I’ve never been before. I don’t know what it will feel like, but

I do know I want to feel courage

I want to feel bold

I want to stop hiding,

I want to go after the things I want

I want to be seen and heard

I want to explore different facets of me

I want to play and create

I want to stop thinking of things so permanently

I want to have fun and enjoy this youth and vibrancy

I want to make decisions without fear of opinions

I want to feel free

and I want to take a step so that

others can feel all of these things as well

I think I have had such a long chapter of discovering myself and now, I believe I know myself more than ever. Now I want nothing more than to take this woman and thrust her out into the world. Any time I go through change I feel this excitement for the possibilities.

This is so much more than hair

This is life and the inevitability of change

This hair is simply a representation of it

I’m really proud to facilitate that change for people

I do it all day every day

and here I am on the other end

feeling nervous and nostalgic

Thank you black hair, thank you thank you thank you.

xx